I feel better right now. I do want to sleep when there is nothing in particular that I want to do. It is eat or sleep, so I sleep instead of eating. I need to get a life, that is for sure.
St. Mark's church has been calling every day with offers to help them out in different areas. This is what I have been wanting, but I cannot bring myself to commit to doing anything for fear of breaking my promise. I've already broken one plan to train as a lector. They called about helping with St. Vincent de Paul today, about helping with coffee and doughnuts after mass the day before that.

I had to look on the internet to find out what day it is. I was shocked that it was the ninth of Oct. already. If I had guessed at what day it was, I would not have come close.
I've been having trouble with anxiety. I feel nervous inside like my insides are fluttering. I quit taking Provigil and Allegra and Neurontin trying to figure out if it is medicine or anxiety attacks. Dr. Sloan called me back yesterday-I had left her a message Friday. She instructed me to quit taking Lexapro also because it is new in the last month. I've taken it before without problems, but maybe it is the mix with the other drugs.
Besides anxiety, I am also depressed. I do not know what to do with myself. I read and read to have something to do but I am tired of reading now. I am tired of lots of things. I am tired of being lonely and bored. I want to sleep all the time but cannot stay asleep forever. I have nightmares now and I've not had them since I was a child. I dream of being murdered, of snakes, of guns. 
I kept Hailey and Michael for the better part of two days this weekend. I had an anxiety attack Sunday while Eric and Ashley were at a Colts game and I had the kids. I hadn't slept well because of the nightmares and arthritis pain and I was so tired and wanted so much to lay down and take a nap but couldn't because of the kids. I kept worrying about what I would do, I would go crazy if I did not lay down. I wanted someone to come get them so that I could do what I wanted. I hate doing things that I do not want to do. The time would not pass quick enough. Eric called and I asked him to please hurry home and get the kids but he took his time and did not come until after they went out to dinner after the game. Why don't people care? Why do I let them use me?
Larry kept calling me this weekend. I do not want to see him anymore. It was stupid of me to begin with. I am not going to settle for anything less than a true, loving relationship any longer. I just ignored his calls and his IMs and e-mails.
I cannot get in to see my psychiatrist or therapist until next month.

This might be fun. I have kept a written journal for 5 years, and have typed some pages here and there and stapled them to the journal. I could do that with this also. I'll just keep really personal things for my hand written journal which will not be read by anyone until I die. At least I do not think anyone has read them. It isn't like I have kept them hidden. They are right out in the open. I think that my youngest son has read some of my latest one. It was on my desk and he came in to use the computer. I didn't realize it right away. Oh well. I guess he knows now how I felt when I was in major, major depression. That was just before my last hospitalization to the psychiatric hospital a few months ago.
Major depression as been my number one problem for nearly six years now. I haven't worked since February of 2002. I'm on Social Security disability and have been told by my psychiatrists that I am retired for life.